Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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