Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
