Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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