hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
