so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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