I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I need a beard to bite.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
