she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
