So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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