i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
