I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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