New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
