i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
