I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We just shotgunned beers for America
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
