if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
