I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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