do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
