You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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