Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
