3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
