Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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