lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish you could order shots online.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
