time to smoke my breakfast
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
