The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
