it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
