she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
