Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The power of my boobs compel you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
