The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sober January is a disaster.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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