Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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