my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
