my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
