my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
