i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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