I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
