Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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