There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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