whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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