i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
