After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
