I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
