At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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