I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
