You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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