He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
