remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
