I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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