Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
