I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
