I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
