i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
