She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
