I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
