after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
