my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
