Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
cat food counts as protein by the way
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
