Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
