i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
