So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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