Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
